Musical Bitch Fight

While watching Rage the other day I discovered that the current Australian number one is “F.U.R.B” by Fankee. For those not in the know “F.U.R.B” is essentially the female version to Eamon’s “I don’t want you back” and stands for (turn away kids) “Fuck you right back”. It carries the same tune but has been suitably reworked so now it’s the girl who is doing the dumping. By coincidence Eamon’s song of jilted love also reached number one on the charts. I didn’t really pay that much attention to what the actual words were but it kind of sounds like Fankee is exercising her right of reply to Eamon’s public lashing of his ex, where he called her a whore and a bitch, though it is more likely that someone saw an opportunity to further milk that cash cow. But there is something more to consider here besides the shameful marketing ploy. It is the apparent use of the music charts to have a public lover’s quarrel.

Why should this be a concern? Well it sets a precedent so that next time a “musical couple” splits up or even have an argument they may decide to release a song to bad mouth the other half who decides that two can play and releases their own track. It may sound like an extreme scenario but consider this; those who write their own songs tend to draw from their own personal experiences. So it is highly probable that a jilted lover will channel their emotions into their song writing and we get treated to a song of anger and betrayal. It may be a cathartic exercise but also has potential to make a bit of cash on the side. Capitalising from human tragedy, it still sounds morally wrong even if it’s your own.

But would other music artists decide to use this public forum to deal with their own disagreements? Imagine if Silverchair after signing to their new record label released a track defaming their old label, Daniel Johns’ cryptic lyrics making the whole experience sound like a spiritual torment. Or what if Holly Valance decided the best way to defend herself in her court case against her former manager was to do a raunchy music clip showing him that she always knew how to see herself (out). Although she’d probably throw in a brief flash of her nipple every 15 seconds that any message would be lost in a wave of soft porn. Could be interesting and at least we would reduce the number of soulless love songs that seem to do so well oh the charts.

And what if other public figures look to the music charts to put forward their arguments to the people. What if Bill Gates put out a bit of electronica funk to defend the actions of Microsoft against the European Consumer Commission? He has a lot of cash so he’d probably get some production support from Fat Boy Slim. How about if Saddam released his own version of Shaggy’s “It wasn’t me” in an attempt to soften his image? Or even worse Michael Jackson bites back against those paedophilia charges with a new album, which if that last is anything to go by will be one new track and the rest his greatest social comment songs, like “They don’t really care about us”. Or he could do a cover of “The Young Ones”.

Or even consider what it would be like if the politicians finally realize their current repertoire of youth campaign techniques are ineffective and cringe-worthy and that a more effective technique would be to release a couple of well written hip-hop tracks outlining their youth policies. Can’t you image John Howard getting down with a bit of bling-bling? Now that’s a sight to see and he always loves wearing a tracksuit. Mark Latham could respond with a heavy metal thrash track (cause let’s face it, he’s an angry man) calling Howard an arse-licker. What is the likelihood that this would encourage more youth to become interested in politics if the political parties battled it out not only in parliament but also on Video Hits and Rage?

It starts to sound disturbing the more you think about the kind of people and interest groups that could abuse the music charts to put forth an argument and to make a bit of cash on the side. It would take out the simple joy that we get from listening to music. If I wanted to listen to 2 people bitch at each other then I would watch Springer. Please don’t start arguing on the music charts, I like to listen to get away from some of the crap things in life, or swallow the problems a little bit easier. Let’s just hope Eamon doesn’t release a track in response to Fankee’s, something along the lines of “you lyin’ bitch, that shit is whack”. Whether it is really an argument or just another marketing gimmick it would really be too much.